Bad!fic journal turned Good!fic journal.

Dear Yuletide Santa

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:18:43 GMT

......talk about super late. Sorry. It didn't even occur to me to leave a note for you until I saw that my assignment did. D: But. It's here now. Hopefully you shall see it.

FIRST OFF. TY THANK YOU THANKS. I'm so excited to see what you write, whatever it might be. I've never done one of these before. (Actually, I'm doing two right now, I'm pretty psyched) so I'm bouncing already.

SO. Without further ado, slightly more specific thoughts:

Flight of the Conchords: If you can't tell from the only two fics I have in this journal (I swear I've written more, I just...never post D:), I'm a super huge fan. I picked Bret/Jemaine/Dave because aldkjfalskd that sounds hot, doesn't it? But I'm up for pretty much anything. I don't think I could handle a Mel or Eugene centric fic but they can certainly take part. If you want to go in any other random direction (Bret/Demetri is always fun/sad) it's totally cool, I'll be thrilled with anything. If you wanted to know my *favorite* thing, it's Bret/Jemaine, but yeah, that's obvious. If you can't tell, I like bromance. A lot. Oh, and surprisingly enough, I like angsty/dark fics for this too. Which, yeah, I know, it's weird, but people have pulled it off. Give it a try, if you'd like. MAKE ME CRY. XP

Watchmen (comic): I really enjoy fics exploring the Nite Owl/Rorschach relationship, however you may interpret it. Bromance, again. Yes I'm predictable. I'm not so into the other characters but if you see that they need to be there to make the fic make sense, that's cool. I'd just be sort of meh if it centered on them (although I've seen a few done about Laurie and a few on Veidt that were interesting. I think they might just be more difficult characters? I don't know.)

Hot Fuzz: Talk about dripping in bromance, eh? I think I'd just like fluff for this one, honestly. Maybe a fun mystery. Smut wouldn't squick me or anything but I think it's important that this one be light-hearted, you know? It'd be weird for it to be dark or intense. XD Humor is appreciated.

Pushing Daisies: I think as long as the fic is well done, I'll like it no matter who it's about. I've always found the idea of Emerson/Olive cute but if you don't, you know, it's up to you. I've had a bad fic experience with Pushing Daises that has kept me from reading any fic, but I have faith that you'll do great, yes yes? :D ..alsodon'tgetsupercreepyaboutthenecrophiliaishnesskthnx?

Squicks: Basically the typical extremely gross things will gross me out. I'm pretty okay with darkness and kinkiness, it's more the stuff that triggers the gag reflex that worries me. I figure you know what I mean. XP

10 Ways Bret and Jemaine Try to Cool Down but Don’t Exactly Succeed

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 05:35:37 GMT

Title: 10 Ways Bret and Jemaine Try to Cool Down but Don’t Exactly Succeed
Fandom: Flight of the Conchords
Characters/Pairings: Bret/Jemaine
Rating: R for Dave and off-camera sexytiems
Summary: Bret buys ice cream and things snowball from there.
Author Notes: Written for conchords_slash 's summery challenge. I took the top ten prompt. I went a bit over the word count but I figure without the labels it'd be much closer to the right amount. I also challenged myself to a different tense than I usually use (present) and my first Dave. :D

And thank you to airspaniel for betaing!

Bret

1. Eat ice cream.

Bret has a little extra pocket money one lazy afternoon when Jemaine is an unmovable mass on the couch thanks to the especially high temperatures. “Global warming,” he tells Bret, “It’s going to kill me.”

Rather than argue that climate change probably isn’t out to get him personally, Bret offers to go get them something to cool off. Jemaine is up for anything as long as he doesn’t have to move. That suits Bret just fine.

So he sets out, the money he earned from overtime at his sign-holding job burning a hole in his pocket. When he returns less than a half hour later, he holds his solution for their summery dilemma behind his back, to surprise Jemaine. But his friend just looks annoyed.

“Bret, what’re you holding behind your back? It’s not big enough to be a fan.”

“Why would I be carrying a fan behind my back? I’d show you any new fans right away, unless Mel got to them fi-“

“Not a fan of the band! A fan to cool off with,” Jemaine explains by waving his arms like a pinwheel. The effort makes sweat drip down his forehead and he wipes it away with an irritable growl.

“Ooooh. No, haven’t got one of them.”

“Well, obviously.”

“But I did get us something!”

Bret reveals their treat: two prepackaged ice cream cones. Jemaine narrows his eyes at him.

“I would’ve preferred a fan.”

“Sorry,” Bret mumbles, but Jemaine doesn’t answer and instead gets up and snatches his ice cream out of his hand. Satisfied that he’s at least done more than Jemaine has to help them cool off, Bret unwraps his cold treat and eagerly begins to eat.

2. Visit Dave’s Shop

“Hey Dave…I have a question,” Bret asks, a bit hesitant.

“Shoot, Bretmigo.”

Bret isn’t sure what’s meant by that (does Dave think he’s Spanish, now?) so instead he focuses on how to ask his question without sounding completely idiotic. He clears his throat and speaks cautiously.

“Yesterday me and Jemaine were eating ice cream and he got a little, um,” he isn’t sure what to call it, “angry, I guess.”

“Dude’s a grumpy fucker.”

“Yeah. Well. I was eating my ice cream and he kept staring at me and…and he told me to ‘stop fellating the bloody thing’.”

Dave chokes on air for a second and then manages to sputter, “Fuck, dude, language.” He shakes his head. He looks more stunned than Bret has ever seen him. Eventually, the power of speech returns to his American friend.

“I mean, I knew you guys were practically shitting fairy dust over there but I thought that, of the two of you, you’ve been fucking enough girls that you might be able to fight it off.”

“Fight what off?”

“The gayness.”

Bret blinks, bemused. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t know what that means? Really? For fuck’s sake man, what’re you, four?”

“That’s what I was trying to ask. What that word means.”

“Jesus H…” Dave trails off, rolling his eyes, “Fellatio? Polishing the knob? Blowing the whistle? Fluting? Going down? Head?”

“…”

“Oh you have got to be- not even head? Come on.” Dave’s hand collides with his forehead at a surprising speed and he speaks from behind it, “You looked like you were giving the ice cream a blowjob, asshole. God, don’t make me imagine it anymore.”

Bret’s eyes widen. “But…why wouldn’t he just say that? Why’d he use a codeword?”

“Dude it’s not even a fucking- fuck it,” Dave sighs and says, “Well, since you guys are such boyfriends already he probably didn’t really want you to stop.”

“But why…” Bret flushes, unable to finish his question. Dave answers anyway.

“Because you were getting him all fucking hot and bothered, that’s why.”

Bret is about to comment that that was the opposite of what he was trying to do when, finally, it clicks. Flushing from head to toe, he excuses himself and heads home.

Jemaine

3. Avoid Bret

As soon as Bret arrives home that day, Jemaine notices he’s different. And not in a good way.

He won’t stop staring.

He won’t stop following Jemaine around.

He’s like a puppy begging for a treat. Except Jemaine doesn’t know what treat he is supposed to be giving. And Bret makes him more uncomfortable than a dog would.

After hours of practically being chased about the apartment, he finally grabs his keys. He announces, in a slightly meaner voice than necessary, that he is going out. He doesn’t have anywhere in particular he wants to go. But anywhere where Bret isn’t is fine.

Anywhere those expressive, passionate, warm brown eyes can’t follow him.

4. Stand in front of a refrigerator at the 7/11

Ten minutes in and Bevin calls him a bum and threatens to call the cops. He decides that home may be annoying and confusing at the moment but he probably won’t get arrested there.

Bret

5. Cold showers

A lot of them. Too many. With and without clothes. Jemaine starts to get suspicious and then worried, in his own way.

Bret would’ve thought he’d enjoy being left alone. Even through the fog of confusion and curiosity that’s overtaken him, he can tell he’s behavior is different. Maybe wrong. And he’s forcing it on Jemaine because, in a way, it’s his fault.

Or maybe it’s the ice cream’s fault.

Or Bret’s. It’s probably his own fault. But he can’t help it. He just…wants. Something. An answer. Something.

He climbs into the bathtub again, trousers and all.

6. Avoid Jemaine

After several more cold showers he knows he can’t deny what’s going on anymore. Even if Jemaine started it, it’s Bret who refuses to let it go. It’s terrible. It’s a bit of a relief to know what it is, but it’s still terrible.

Because now, after a week of making Jemaine uncomfortable with all the extra attention, he can’t bring himself to even look at him. Doing so is more frustrating than the heat in their apartment and more painful than the heat in his body. He forces himself to ignore this problem as much as he can in the hopes that it’ll go away.

Jemaine

7. Visit Dave

“Dave, I have a question.”

“God, you motherfucking Hawaiians and your questions,” Dave groaned, then, sighing deeply, he said, “Let’s just get it over with. What do you want?”

“Bret’s been acting sort of strange lately.”

“Man you are going to have to be a whole hell of a lot more specific than that.”

“Well…first he wouldn’t leave me alone-“ Jemaine pauses when Dave makes a disgusted sound, but shortly after, with a confused look, he continues, “and now he barely talks to me. Or looks at me.”

“Wow, uh. That was fast. I never would’ve pegged Bret for the type.”

“What?”

“The ‘slam, bam, thank ya ma’am’ type. Well with you fags it’d be sir, but whatever.”

“…pardon?”

Dave furrows his brow. “Huh. I would’ve thought you guys would’ve been all gaying it up by now. After Bret left like that the other day-“

“Dave, what are you-“

“Let me guess. This started about two weeks ago, after that really really motherfucking hot day, right?”

“…yis.”

“You remember the ice cream?”

Jemaine flushes visibly, “Uh. How did you-“

“Bret told me. Not that I asked. Because God knows I’d rather not have to deal with this shit at all. Anyway. You know what I’m talking about?”

Jemaine stares at the floor and nods, mutely. He can’t believe Bret took that so seriously. But maybe it is something serious? For Bret anyway.

He gives Dave a short wave and heads out of the store and down the street. Suddenly it felt like he was walking on the sun and, somehow, that didn’t seem unpleasant.

8. Eat ice cream (again)

“Ice cream?” Bret says apprehensively when Jemaine returns later that afternoon.

“Yis.”

“But…I sort of thought that you…um…didn’t like ice cream,” Bret says, doing his best to keep from speaking frankly.

“I might like it.”

“Might?”

“Maybe. We should eat some more. To see.”

Bret doesn’t follow. But he does want the ice cream. Unfortunately, he’s not sure how to eat it without recreating the scene from last time. That’s just how he eats.

He stares at the unwrapped treat wordlessly for a few minutes until Jemaine says, “Just eat it, Bret. Do I have to show you how?”

Not waiting for Bret’s answer, Jemaine proceeds to do obscene and filthy things to his ice cream cone. It isn’t long before Bret can’t resist any longer and he’s got a mouthful of sweetness himself. Enjoying the sugary treat on his tongue, Jemaine sighs happily.

Their cones lay abandoned and melting on the kitchen floor.

Bret

9. Suck on ice cubes

“G-god, Bret, this is not at all what I thought you meant.”

“Mmm…I know.”

“God…”

10. Sleep

As Bret fell asleep in Jemaine’s arms, he wondered if they should thank Dave. No, he’d just be annoyed. Better to just buy him something.

Maybe ice cream.

Unfair (Chapter 2)

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 03:12:45 GMT

Title: Unfair (Chapter 2)
Fandom: Flight of the Conchords
Characters: Bret, Jemaine (Eventual Bret/Jemaine)
Rating: R for discussion, mostly
Author Notes: Sorry this took so long! This definitely took a turn for the crack-filled, though, so that's always fun...right?
Summary: The boys discuss Bret's walking in on Jemaine's special alone time.

Neither man spoke for the longest time. Jemaine was beginning to shiver from the cold and Bret was shifting uncomfortably thanks to a still fairly prominent erection. There really wasn’t anything either of them particularly wanted to say. But something would have to be said eventually, if only to break the thick tension growing between them.

As Bret studied Jemaine- for even openly gaping at the other man’s body seemed more comfortable than trying to meet his eyes- he discovered there were, maybe, a few things he’d like to say- if they weren’t all completely inexcusably gay. He’d like to say how cute it was that despite the chilly temperatures, he still had a light flush creeping across his cheeks, down his neck, and onto his chest. Though he wouldn’t know how to phrase it, he wanted to compliment how, well, nice he looked and maybe even express slight jealousy at his size. There was also an intense desire building in him to taste some of the water that had begun dripping down his friend’s stomach that began to eat at him in a dangerous way, but that wasn’t really something that needed to be said. Just done.

Jemaine finally spoke, barely audible over the pounding heartbeat in Bret’s ears, “What are you doing, Bret?”

Bret tried to make eye contact but the shame of it twisted his stomach and he settled his focus on the floor, “Nothing. Just…waiting.”

“The door was open,” Jemaine stated flatly, “…for how long?”

Bret bit his lip, “Not, not very long, not really.”

“Were…” Jemaine trailed off, hesitant, “Were you watching?”

Bret wanted to shout out Yes, I was and it was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do and I couldn’t even really see it and I think I’d like to try it myself or just see you do it or you could do it to me or we could do it together and I think this might mean that I’m gay because I’ve never wanted a girl quite this badly.

But instead he said, “I’m sorry.”

Pause, “That’s…alright. I think I sort of knew you were there but it didn’t, um, bother me I guess. Not that much.”

“Oh.”

“So don’t, you know, worry about it,” Jemaine stepped out of the tub and began to gather up his clothes, “I mean, I guess it’s only fair.”

Jemaine had muttered the last bit and Bret wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly, “What?”

“Nothing.”

“You said ‘it’s only fair’. What’s fair?” Bret felt a bit guilty for turning the offense onto Jemaine when he had been the innocent victim, but he really was curious.

Jemaine spoke rapidly as he dressed, “I just…when we were on the couch. We were so close. Closer than usual. To keep warm. And I started thinking that maybe if there was a girl here, we could keep each other warm better if we were…you know. Really really close.” As he continued, Jemaine’s voice grew steadily higher and higher and his face turned redder and redder, “And then I thought, ‘Well, it’s only me and Bret here’. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I got a bit, er, worked up. So I ran in here to take care of it. It’s not gay or anything though because it was more about the idea of sex in general, right? And it’s been a few days since I’ve, er, done that, what with how cold it’s been and all, so I think I was just, uh, built up so much that I couldn’t help but get, uh, happy, so I had to take care of it right away and then you came in and you were watching me and I think I li-“ He stopped suddenly, mid-word, and swallowed thickly, “…uh…So we’re…we’re even. I think.” Jemaine ended lamely.

This was probably more than Bret had ever heard Jemaine say in one go, so it took a minute to fully process. “You were…thinking about me?” Bret murmured. Suddenly, his eyes were fiercely locked with the other man’s.

Jemaine made a choking noise and nodded, stiffly.

“Were you thinking still thinking about me the whole time? During that?” He gestured towards the shower and even Bret himself was surprised by the bold question that had sprung forth from his mouth even before his brain had fully formed it. Jemaine seemed even more shocked.

“That’d be gay.” It wasn’t exactly a ‘no’. In fact, Jemaine said it almost as a warning.

“You were, weren’t you?”

“Bret, I…”

Jemaine had managed to pull on his trousers and it was by their belt-loops that Bret grabbed him suddenly and pulled their bodies flush together. He groaned loudly as his painfully hard cock pressed into Jemaine’s hip. His voice broke as he whispered huskily in his friend’s ear.

“Well, I couldn’t help but think about you,” Bret hissed. Jemaine gasped in response and Bret began rubbing slightly against his leg. “The way you touch yourself, with both hands- and you really do need both, my God- it was so hot.”

Jemaine’s mouth opened slightly, and Bret never found out if he had intended to say something because in the next instant he was kissing his friend hard and he felt he was losing his mind.

In a way, it did make sense. It was only fair. Jemaine had gotten off because of thinking about Bret- using him. So why shouldn’t Bret get something in return?

But, in other ways, it was just insane. It was all kinds of wrong to be pressing his lips against the full ones he was kissing now. It was messed up to slide his tongue into that mouth so he can run it along those gapped teeth.

It was unbelievable that Jemaine was kissing him back.

Through the fog of lust that filled Bret’s mind, he suddenly felt Jemaine pulling away. His body tried to follow, but as his eyes opened, his friend was holding him firmly in place. At arm’s length.

Bret couldn’t understand why that hurt so much.

Jemaine was biting his lip. His eyes were on the floor.

“We should…we should stop,” he managed, his voice obviously strained.

Bret felt crushed. He hadn’t even realized how much he had wanted this until he couldn’t have it, how was that fair. His body was aching and his heart was dissolving and-

“We’ll stick together.”

Bret shook his head. He must’ve misheard that. “What?”

“It’s too cold. All the...everything’ll freeze together.”

Bret wasn’t so sure that this was true. He’d never really thought about it. He wondered if, maybe, Jemaine was trying to let him down gently. He searched his friend’s face, trying to tell if he was sincere.

Jemaine groaned in annoyance, “Bret, don’t look at me like that, this is already har- difficult.”

Well, that answered that. Wiggling out of Jemaine’s grip, Bret took a step back and looked his friend over, “Are you sure that’s true?”

Jemaine looked exasperated. “Well, I think I should know when I want something like this!” he exclaimed.

“No, I mean, about sticking together,” Bret clarified.

“Oh. Well, I guess, I’ve never really tried it. I mean, I had to go in the shower and everything to even...”

He trailed off, and they both slowly turned to look at the shower behind them. In his half-dressed state, it’d be easy to assume the shiver that wracked Jemaine’s body was from the cold. But when his eyes returned to Bret’s, it was clear that he was trembling from something else too.

“But…it’ll be almost an hour before the water’s hot again,” Jemaine said, obviously disappointed by this thought.

“Yis,” Bret confirmed, just as saddened.

This was going to be hard.

Unfair (Chapter 1)

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 05:47:30 GMT

Title: Unfair (Chapter 1)
Fandom: Flight of the Conchords
Characters: Bret, Jemaine (Eventual Bret/Jemaine)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Self-love!
Summary: Bret and Jemaine use the shower to warm up on a cold day.

Jemaine was being totally unfair. It was already eighty bajillion degrees below zero in the apartment. There wasn’t a scrap of warmth to be spared in the entire building except in the six square feet that was their shower and he was hogging all the hot water. Bret knew that Jemaine was a deeply selfish person but he had hoped his friend wasn’t an all out sadist. Apparently he was wrong.

When the heat in their building had broken three days ago, the boys had gone to Eugene almost every other hour, begging him to actually fix it. He repeatedly told them that he was “working on it”, but when they visited he never seemed to be actively engaged in doing much of anything. Nor did he seem particularly bothered by the cold, which led to speculation about whether he was part penguin or polar bear followed by more complaints about the subzero temperatures.

About twenty eight hours into their ordeal, Bret had inadvertently discovered while cautiously attempting to shower for work that somehow the water heater was still working effectively. In fact, it was more than effective. It was heaven. It only took a few minutes to restore his body temperature to a reasonable level and only a few more for him to feel something resembling normal. Bret left the shower to tell Jemaine the exciting news, and it was during Jemaine’s turn that they discovered the hot water was only good for about twenty minutes- most of which Bret had used up.

The short showering window meant they had to ration the water (and share Jemaine’s hair dryer). They’d agreed that they really only needed about eight minutes each to achieve moderate warmth and cleanliness and promised to allow an hour between each shower attempt. Confident that this was a fair arrangement for both parties, they had shaken hands. And, until ten minutes ago when Jemaine had dashed from the couch and immediately jumped into the shower, they had kept true to their agreement. Bret was very disappointed in his friend for breaking his promise. He was probably more disappointed that he might not be getting a hot shower for at least another hour, thanks to his friend’s extended stay.

He knocked again, “Jemaine, you’ve gotta let me in. You broke your promise, man.”

Jemaine groaned in annoyance. “You’re fine! You’ve got a blanket!” Bret looked down at the thick, wooly afghan he’d wrapped tightly around himself. He’d be sweating if the heat was working. Without it, he might as well have been naked.

“And you’ve got a nice steamy shower you’re keeping all to yourself!” Bret shot back, “Let me in already!”

“I’m not sharing a shower with you Bret. That’s gay.”

“Then just…let me have a go. Please?” Already knowing the answer, he sighed and leaned against the door. And it creaked open.

He didn’t lock it? Now that Bret had really thought about it, Jemaine had rushed into the bathroom like he was late for a hot date. He must’ve forgotten.

Bret waited for a moment and when Jemaine remained silent, pressed the door slightly more ajar and peeked in. With the curtain drawn, Bret couldn’t really see what his friend was doing, though he made a quite distinctly Jemaine-shaped silhouette. Jemaine was standing quite rigidly in one spot, facing towards the shower head in a manner that Bret recognized was quite similar to his own stance the past few days. Simply standing under the hot water was a great comfort after the frigidity of the rest of the world. Hmm, maybe that would make for a good song lyric.

It was then that Jemaine moaned softly and Bret became acutely aware of the fact that he was currently spying on his friend in a very private moment. When the initial shock of this wore off, he realized that this sort of explained why Jemaine had run off and adamantly refused to allow Bret access to the shower after his allotted time was up. It didn’t really explain why Jemaine had a sudden need to touch himself and could only accomplish this in the shower, but Bret wasn’t sure he really wanted to find out anyway.

While he was considering this, Jemaine’s breathing had become louder and heavier and Bret felt his face heating up- from the steam escaping the bathroom, of course. In fact, it was so cozy right here that he had no real desire to leave, though his mind was telling him he probably should.

Now it was becoming quite clear what Jemaine’s silhouette was doing. The shadow arched and threw its head back. It gripped itself with both hands- Both hands? Bret thought distantly, Does he really need both?- and began thrusting forward. The erotic display reminded Bret of his first experiments with his body just before he hit puberty. Of course, his lovers back then had just been stuffed animals and pillows rather than his hand, let alone both hands. As he watched his friend pump away, he wondered if Jemaine’s technique was more advanced or less advanced than his own. There had to be some sort of level of sophistication with that sort of thing. Like the Kama Sutra. Or the Kama Selftra, in this case.

Jemaine gave a soft moan and suddenly one of his hands shot up to his face. Bret imagined he was biting on it to keep quiet, so his roommate wouldn’t hear. The pang of guilt he felt at this thought was only coupled by the fact that he discovered his hand had traveled of its own accord to the front of his trousers. His own moan at the slight brush of his fingertips on the hard bulge only added to the slew of Jemaine’s barely-contained moans as his orgasm hit.

Bret watched his friend’s silhouette in awe as it stroked itself through the last few convulsions and stood on wildly shaking legs. He was amazed that Jemaine could come that hard. He sort of wished he could’ve seen it for real, up close. Bret was considering the motives behind such a desire when he found himself staring into a set of sated but rather shocked olive-green eyes.

Suggestions!

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:08:56 GMT

Please make suggestions for what you'd like to read! Characters, fandoms, real people, I'll try and do anything! I need ideas!